My shoes echo off the tile floor as I
walk through the empty terminal. I've never felt this miserable and
at peace all at once. Thoughts continue to stream through my head as
I try to remind myself that this isn't a dream, “I am actually
leaving”. I can't stop asking the question why? Why send me here
just to take me home again? Why allow me to go through all this
struggle only to force me to throw in the towel and go home? I'm
passed any feelings of anger and am just purely confused.
After spending a month in Cairo Egypt
I'm flying home.
After a month of watching God move and
of experiencing the wonders of learning a new culture I'm going home.
After finally starting to feel like I
was beginning to make a difference I'm going home.
Why?
But the question of why goes so much
deeper than simply asking. It asks how much am I willing to trust
God? Enough to be satisfied without needing an answer to the question
why? Do I truly believe that God will work this situation out for my
good since I love Him.
Am I willing to go through the pain and
loneliness of leaving my team and my vision to seek out God's true
plan for my life.
Isaiah 8-9 talks about God's ways being
higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. In
some ways it may seem a little pathetic, getting so dramatic over
something as simple as leaving a DTS outreach early, but for me it
was a loss of vision. The vision of God using me to bring hope and
life to the nation of Egypt. Of God allowing me to live in a
community of amazing people and laugh, live, and grow with them.
For me leaving outreach wasn't simply
about going home, it was about losing my direction, about not knowing
where I am supposed to put the next step.
But sometimes I think it is this place
that God can truly use us as He desires. Its in the times when we
don't have any clue what He is doing or how to follow Him that He can
give us the direction that we need. Because its in that moment of
confusion that we drop all our false visions and directions, when we
are forced to lay down our future is when God hands us a better one.
When we are forced to give up our dreams that God awakens new ones.
Personally, I'm still in the middle
stage, the stage where I'm still desperately clinging onto the vision
I had for this time in my life and watching God slowly began to point
me in a new direction. I'm watching as my hands are emptied of my
hopes for this DTS and God fills them with new hopes and dreams.
Its tough, I don't understand, but I
can either be miserabal, angry, and confused, or be full of joy
knowing that God is working something beautiful and fulfilling into
my life. That while I may never understand why, He will guide me and
be my comfort and hope. So I choose to praise Him. Maybe as much as I
should but I know that even in my feebal attempts of praising Him He
will take joy in the attempt. Even in the times when I fail and put
my desires over my obedience to Him He will love me and continue to
work things out for my good. So good bye Egypt, I have had the most
extraordinary month of my life, and I will be back. It's been
incredible, and I'm ready to see God use me in a new way in a
familiar place. Home. See you soon PA.
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