My ears continued to pop as the plane descended into the family scenery of PA. "PA this is way to soon, I was supposed to have another month until I saw you again." The thought runs through my head as I gloomily think about how my adventure has ended. As I grab my bags and head out of the baggage claim I try to remind myself that its not about my desires or will but about God's will for me. The thought brings little comfort at this moment.
Sunday was tough. Probably one of the toughest days I've ever had. It was the day that I truly had to face the reality of coming home. Up until then I had been so busy with preparing to leave and working with the insurance company that I had had little time to think about actually leaving Egypt and everything that would mean. So As I flew home my thoughts were constantly on what I had lost. It was with a pretty heavy heart that I drove home and realized that that chapter had closed and a new one was opening.
So what do we do with situations like this. When we feel like the winds been knocked out of our lungs and we've lost the purpose that we had so gladly embraced. When life simply doesn't make sense and we feel like we've stalled out. When we go from feeling useful to useless and we have no control over the course our life has taken.
To be honest, the answer is tough. We persevere, and we do it with joy. James 1:2-4 has been a constant reminder of what my attitude should be during this time. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The answer is tough because it is one of endurance, where we endure through the trouble and not only endure but we do it with "pure joy".
When my plane landed in Philly on Sunday pure joy was the last thing I was feeling. Confusion, frustration, and disappointment were high on the list of emotions. While my mouth claimed to trust God and want his plan, my spirit cried out at the injustice of being sent home. Of working so hard to get to DTS only to end a month early and be sent home from an outreach I given myself fully to.
In many ways I am still asking those questions. Why I am here, and why I had to leave the ministry I loved doing. But I have to constantly remind myself that when I committed myself to Christ I picked up a cross. A cross that meant suffering and pain, as well as joy and peace. A cross that would resemble that of Jesus who went willingly to suffer because He knew the Father had a plan. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately is Matthew 26:42, where it talks about Jesus praying in Gethsemane and He tells the Father, if this cup cannot pass without me drinking it, your will be done. Jesus was completely summited to God's will. Even though He didn't want to do it, He had put the Fathers will over His own.
Now in my small situation am I willing to put the will of God over my own. Am I willing to drink the cup that God has placed in my hands and do it with an attitude of joy knowing that God has a plan and is working through my life. That this time of hardship is not in vain and that God is molding me into someone that can follow Him even more. Do I realize that this time of brief trial is nothing compared to the wonderful works that God can do in my life through this time.
I have a long way to go, but I've seen God do so much in these last few weeks. While I still don't understand fully why I am where I am, I am excited to see how God chooses to use me in this new chapter of my life. I have to constantly remind myself its not about me, its about the one who give me life. Anything short of complete love and devotion falls so short of what He deserves. He deserves everything, to give Him anything less is the greatest injustice. He deserves my absolute worship, my absolute devotion, my absolute trust, and my absolute love. Thank goodness for grace for the many times I fall so short of those absolutes. Grace that sustains, and keeps me seeking Him even when I have nothing left. So heres to this new adventure. To a new chapter of watching God work and seeing his faithfulness play out in my life. I know its going to be a wild ride.
Sunday was tough. Probably one of the toughest days I've ever had. It was the day that I truly had to face the reality of coming home. Up until then I had been so busy with preparing to leave and working with the insurance company that I had had little time to think about actually leaving Egypt and everything that would mean. So As I flew home my thoughts were constantly on what I had lost. It was with a pretty heavy heart that I drove home and realized that that chapter had closed and a new one was opening.
So what do we do with situations like this. When we feel like the winds been knocked out of our lungs and we've lost the purpose that we had so gladly embraced. When life simply doesn't make sense and we feel like we've stalled out. When we go from feeling useful to useless and we have no control over the course our life has taken.
To be honest, the answer is tough. We persevere, and we do it with joy. James 1:2-4 has been a constant reminder of what my attitude should be during this time. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The answer is tough because it is one of endurance, where we endure through the trouble and not only endure but we do it with "pure joy".
When my plane landed in Philly on Sunday pure joy was the last thing I was feeling. Confusion, frustration, and disappointment were high on the list of emotions. While my mouth claimed to trust God and want his plan, my spirit cried out at the injustice of being sent home. Of working so hard to get to DTS only to end a month early and be sent home from an outreach I given myself fully to.
In many ways I am still asking those questions. Why I am here, and why I had to leave the ministry I loved doing. But I have to constantly remind myself that when I committed myself to Christ I picked up a cross. A cross that meant suffering and pain, as well as joy and peace. A cross that would resemble that of Jesus who went willingly to suffer because He knew the Father had a plan. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately is Matthew 26:42, where it talks about Jesus praying in Gethsemane and He tells the Father, if this cup cannot pass without me drinking it, your will be done. Jesus was completely summited to God's will. Even though He didn't want to do it, He had put the Fathers will over His own.
Now in my small situation am I willing to put the will of God over my own. Am I willing to drink the cup that God has placed in my hands and do it with an attitude of joy knowing that God has a plan and is working through my life. That this time of hardship is not in vain and that God is molding me into someone that can follow Him even more. Do I realize that this time of brief trial is nothing compared to the wonderful works that God can do in my life through this time.
I have a long way to go, but I've seen God do so much in these last few weeks. While I still don't understand fully why I am where I am, I am excited to see how God chooses to use me in this new chapter of my life. I have to constantly remind myself its not about me, its about the one who give me life. Anything short of complete love and devotion falls so short of what He deserves. He deserves everything, to give Him anything less is the greatest injustice. He deserves my absolute worship, my absolute devotion, my absolute trust, and my absolute love. Thank goodness for grace for the many times I fall so short of those absolutes. Grace that sustains, and keeps me seeking Him even when I have nothing left. So heres to this new adventure. To a new chapter of watching God work and seeing his faithfulness play out in my life. I know its going to be a wild ride.
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