Simple, well sorta.

The answer is simple: Dedication because of love.

The action is tough.

This week I've come face to face with my imperfection as a human.

It sucked.

Period.

It sucked to watch a dream be laid down, to watch my “perfect” little plan of how life should go come to a quick death. To realize the ending of a journey that my heart longed to continue.

This week I was faced with my failure to be dedicated. I watched as all my fancy words were defeated by cowardice acts of self pity.

I watched as my standards were washed away by waves of “logical” thinking motivated by pure laziness.

What was I left with? The reality that I'm human. That I need God in every moment and that the battle I've entered is so much harder than any I have ever faced.

I've come to realize that it is often in the times of “normal” life that we face the toughest and most fierce of battles. It's in the moment when we could easily accept the ordinary that the battle to choose the extraordinary becomes so difficult.

When we start to believe the lie that we can't be as close to God unless we are serving Him in what we see as “active” ministry. That we can't have hunger and passion for God unless we are surrounded by people that are full of passion and hunger.

It's into this horrible trap that I tumbled this week. Thankfully God hasn't given up on me and loves to draw me back when I go after my own desires. Today God did that. Today, I was reminded of the story of Daniel.

If anyone had an excuse to not be passionate and full of fire for God Daniel would be it. Taken from his home as a captive while he was still a teenager, Daniel lived in a land full of evil men that knew nothing of God's way. The Bible mentions only three other Godly men besides Daniel when he enters captivity.

What does Daniel do?

Does He cry out at the injustice of it all and decide to follow his own desires? Nope, he sets himself apart and follows after God throughout his life of captivity. From the beginning when he asks to be fed only vegetables and water so as to not defile himself with unclean food, to when he prays and fasts for 21 days before getting a response, Daniel stays dedicated to God.

What if I could live like that? A life so dedicated that even in a land full of ungodly men (of which Lancaster County PA is certainly not!) I would continue to have passion and dedication to God. It challenged me to look past this momentary time.

To be honest I don't like the phase of life I am in.

It's tough.

It's dry.

And it's horribly familiar to how I felt before I left for DTS.

But the question is not what I will do to make myself feel the way I did a couple weeks ago, the question is how I will use this new phase of life to bring God glory, grow in my relationship with Him, and love the people around me with the love God has so lavishly given to me.

The question is what is God doing

Right here.

Right now.

And how can I be apart of it.

It's time to make the main thing the main thing again, and embrace the new that God is doing in my life with the knowledge that He is working it all out for good. All I have to do is obey.

Simple.

And not so simple.  

Pure joy, its not just a nice thought.

My ears continued to pop as the plane descended into the family scenery of PA. "PA this is way to soon, I was supposed to have another month until I saw you again." The thought runs through my head as I gloomily think about how my adventure has ended. As I grab my bags and head out of the baggage claim I try to remind myself that its not about my desires or will but about God's will for me. The thought brings little comfort at this moment.

Sunday was tough. Probably one of the toughest days I've ever had. It was the day that I truly had to face the reality of coming home. Up until then I had been so busy with preparing to leave and working with the insurance company that I had had little time to think about actually leaving Egypt and everything that would mean. So As I flew home my thoughts were constantly on what I had lost. It was with a pretty heavy heart that I drove home and realized that that chapter had closed and a new one was opening.

So what do we do with situations like this. When we feel like the winds been knocked out of our lungs and we've lost the purpose that we had so gladly embraced. When life simply doesn't make sense and we feel like we've stalled out. When we go from feeling useful to useless and we have no control over the course our life has taken.

To be honest, the answer is tough. We persevere, and we do it with joy. James 1:2-4 has been a constant reminder of what my attitude should be during this time.   "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith  produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The answer is tough because it is one of endurance, where we endure through the trouble and not only endure but we do it with "pure joy".

When my plane landed in Philly on Sunday pure joy was the last thing I was feeling. Confusion, frustration, and disappointment were high on the list of emotions. While my mouth claimed to trust God and want his plan, my spirit cried out at the injustice of being sent home. Of working so hard to get to DTS only to end a month early and be sent home from an outreach I given myself fully to.

In many ways I am still asking those questions. Why I am here, and why I had to leave the ministry I loved doing. But I have to constantly remind myself that when I committed myself to Christ I picked up a cross. A cross that meant suffering and pain, as well as joy and peace. A cross that would resemble that of Jesus who went willingly to suffer because He knew the Father had a plan. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately is Matthew 26:42, where it talks about Jesus praying in Gethsemane and He tells the Father, if this cup cannot pass without me drinking it, your will be done. Jesus was completely summited to God's will. Even though He didn't want to do it, He had put the Fathers will over His own.

Now in my small situation am I willing to put the will of God over my own. Am I willing to drink the cup that God has placed in my hands and do it with an attitude of joy knowing that God has a plan and is working through my life. That this time of hardship is not in vain and that God is molding me into someone that can follow Him even more. Do I realize that this time of brief trial is nothing compared to the wonderful works that God can do in my life through this time.

I have a long way to go, but I've seen God do so much in these last few weeks. While I still don't understand fully why I am where I am, I am excited to see how God chooses to use me in this new chapter of my life.  I have to constantly remind myself its not about me, its about the one who give me life.  Anything short of complete love and devotion falls so short of what He deserves. He deserves everything, to give Him anything less is the greatest injustice. He deserves my absolute worship, my absolute devotion, my absolute trust, and my absolute love. Thank goodness for grace for the many times I fall so short of those absolutes.  Grace that sustains, and keeps me seeking Him even when I have nothing left. So heres to this new adventure. To a new chapter of watching God work and seeing his faithfulness play out in my life. I know its going to be a wild ride.

When a chapter closes, a new one begins

My shoes echo off the tile floor as I walk through the empty terminal. I've never felt this miserable and at peace all at once. Thoughts continue to stream through my head as I try to remind myself that this isn't a dream, “I am actually leaving”. I can't stop asking the question why? Why send me here just to take me home again? Why allow me to go through all this struggle only to force me to throw in the towel and go home? I'm passed any feelings of anger and am just purely confused.

After spending a month in Cairo Egypt I'm flying home.

After a month of watching God move and of experiencing the wonders of learning a new culture I'm going home.

After finally starting to feel like I was beginning to make a difference I'm going home.

Why?

But the question of why goes so much deeper than simply asking. It asks how much am I willing to trust God? Enough to be satisfied without needing an answer to the question why? Do I truly believe that God will work this situation out for my good since I love Him.

Am I willing to go through the pain and loneliness of leaving my team and my vision to seek out God's true plan for my life.

Isaiah 8-9 talks about God's ways being higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. In some ways it may seem a little pathetic, getting so dramatic over something as simple as leaving a DTS outreach early, but for me it was a loss of vision. The vision of God using me to bring hope and life to the nation of Egypt. Of God allowing me to live in a community of amazing people and laugh, live, and grow with them.

For me leaving outreach wasn't simply about going home, it was about losing my direction, about not knowing where I am supposed to put the next step.

But sometimes I think it is this place that God can truly use us as He desires. Its in the times when we don't have any clue what He is doing or how to follow Him that He can give us the direction that we need. Because its in that moment of confusion that we drop all our false visions and directions, when we are forced to lay down our future is when God hands us a better one. When we are forced to give up our dreams that God awakens new ones.

Personally, I'm still in the middle stage, the stage where I'm still desperately clinging onto the vision I had for this time in my life and watching God slowly began to point me in a new direction. I'm watching as my hands are emptied of my hopes for this DTS and God fills them with new hopes and dreams.

Its tough, I don't understand, but I can either be miserabal, angry, and confused, or be full of joy knowing that God is working something beautiful and fulfilling into my life. That while I may never understand why, He will guide me and be my comfort and hope. So I choose to praise Him. Maybe as much as I should but I know that even in my feebal attempts of praising Him He will take joy in the attempt. Even in the times when I fail and put my desires over my obedience to Him He will love me and continue to work things out for my good. So good bye Egypt, I have had the most extraordinary month of my life, and I will be back. It's been incredible, and I'm ready to see God use me in a new way in a familiar place. Home. See you soon PA.