My hand grabs another can as I listen to the all to familiar beep of the scanner. "I'm back", the thought seems to never leave my mind. I give the customer the best smile I can muster and quickly try to change the trail of thoughts running through my head. I try... and fail. My mind continues to wonder what my team is doing, I find myself checking the clock and quickly making the time difference. It's Tuesday, so probably the orphanage. I wonder how Ethan's doing with soccer, and if Paul's having any luck teaching any of the guys photography. I struggle to pull my mind back to the present. "Come on David, you gotta focus on where you are." I send up a quick prayer for my team and finally am able to return my mind to the task at hand. Scanning groceries at the grocery store I was hoping I wouldn't be seeing for another month.
I'm back. The concept has finally sunk in in a most unpleasant way. I've gone through the small moments of joy of enjoying the things I missed on DTS and now am faced with the reality of normal life. Of waking up in the morning, going to work, meeting with friends, going to church, the system is scarily familiar. Scary because I see the person and the life I used to live becoming increasingly close to becoming a reality. Scary because I remember the desperation I felt before leaving, the gnawing to experience God and become who I was created to be, I now feel the warning signs that that person must be fought for.
Every day I must choose to be the person God created me to be. The person that He meant for me to be. On DTS I saw a little bit more of who that person is. I saw a little bit more of the passions God has placed in me. Of the hunger that is so deeply engraved in my soul, a hunger that is only met by His presence. I saw that theres is courage in me, a warriors heart, it merely needs the opportunity to be shown.
So as I came home I was greatly excited to see how God would use these knew things that I had discovered while I was away. I jumped at the opportunity to see Him move. What I found was the greatest of opportunities and the toughest of struggles. I watched as the man I had become became tested at every point. As the wounds that I had hoped were healed become ripped open again. The fears that I had so proudly thought I had conquered became the nightmare of my faith.
It was the battle.
The battle that I have to fight, and the one that I must win. The one that says you haven't changed, you haven't become the man you thought you were. That it was all just a sham, you are now back to your true self. It's the lies that tell me that God couldn't really change someone like me. So I now am forced back to the battle I thought I had beaten. The one of complacent Christianity, of being apathetic and only pursuing God when I feel like it. The one of falling back into the old comforts and lies of this world, believing the horrible lie that they will satisfy the hunger in my heart.
The reality is simple.
This is the true battle, the battles of my journey these past few months have merely been the training for this. The battle of actually living a life of radical faith in Jesus. Of being willing to fight in every moment of every day for the truth of who God created me to be and not who I think I am. I was created to know and love God. I was created not for myself but to bring glory to the Creator of the universe. The sooner I wrap my mind around that the sooner I learn to live out the life I was called to. A life of radical obedience and devotion to God. period.
I'm back. The concept has finally sunk in in a most unpleasant way. I've gone through the small moments of joy of enjoying the things I missed on DTS and now am faced with the reality of normal life. Of waking up in the morning, going to work, meeting with friends, going to church, the system is scarily familiar. Scary because I see the person and the life I used to live becoming increasingly close to becoming a reality. Scary because I remember the desperation I felt before leaving, the gnawing to experience God and become who I was created to be, I now feel the warning signs that that person must be fought for.
Every day I must choose to be the person God created me to be. The person that He meant for me to be. On DTS I saw a little bit more of who that person is. I saw a little bit more of the passions God has placed in me. Of the hunger that is so deeply engraved in my soul, a hunger that is only met by His presence. I saw that theres is courage in me, a warriors heart, it merely needs the opportunity to be shown.
So as I came home I was greatly excited to see how God would use these knew things that I had discovered while I was away. I jumped at the opportunity to see Him move. What I found was the greatest of opportunities and the toughest of struggles. I watched as the man I had become became tested at every point. As the wounds that I had hoped were healed become ripped open again. The fears that I had so proudly thought I had conquered became the nightmare of my faith.
It was the battle.
The battle that I have to fight, and the one that I must win. The one that says you haven't changed, you haven't become the man you thought you were. That it was all just a sham, you are now back to your true self. It's the lies that tell me that God couldn't really change someone like me. So I now am forced back to the battle I thought I had beaten. The one of complacent Christianity, of being apathetic and only pursuing God when I feel like it. The one of falling back into the old comforts and lies of this world, believing the horrible lie that they will satisfy the hunger in my heart.
The reality is simple.
This is the true battle, the battles of my journey these past few months have merely been the training for this. The battle of actually living a life of radical faith in Jesus. Of being willing to fight in every moment of every day for the truth of who God created me to be and not who I think I am. I was created to know and love God. I was created not for myself but to bring glory to the Creator of the universe. The sooner I wrap my mind around that the sooner I learn to live out the life I was called to. A life of radical obedience and devotion to God. period.
AMEN DAVID ... YOU KNOW I THINK ALOT OF US FIGHT THAT SAME BATTLE . IT IS JUST THAT WE ARE NOT SO QUICK TO ADMIT IT LIKE YOU JUST DID. YOU HAVE FOUGHT AND WON SO TAKE HEART AND KNWO THAT GOD ID GREATER THAN ALL OF THIS . BLESSINGS TO YOU MY FRIEND.
ReplyDeleteYou know David, I'm wondering if part, even if only a small part, of the reason you're back early, is for folks like me to be able to better approach the transition to home. And, like Kathy above mentioned, you so quickly mention these things, gimme a month and I'll be running to you for understanding!
ReplyDeletekeep strong, don't lose sight of the Lord's face. Seek it and all these struggles with seem petty. Surrender first, and pride has no grip. It is not your energies nor your responsibility to maintain something from the YWAM/DTS environment (momentum or chaos, spiritual atmosphere-wise) outside of that environment. The fire in your heart only grows and shrinks with the changing of the seasons, but it will never go out! Don't let go of who you have become, I see that this is obviously what your'e talking about, but it doesn't have to LOOK like anything specific. You are who the LORD says you are.