Back to being a YWAMer...for a week

For the second time in 6 months my packed bags lay next to the door ready for another adventure. Such a similar scenario.  The flight, the bags by the door, the early morning drive to the airport. It's eerily familiar. But its a very different person who will boarding that plane tomorrow for one final flight to Hawaii. When I left PA on that early April morning I was so excited and joyful that I could barely contain myself. Tomorrow there will be joy but also a sort of grief at realizing that I will be seeing this airport again in a week and that my DTS will be officially over than. Grief at the missed experiences that I am sure to hear and the awesome people who I will only be able to spend a brief time with.

Life has a way of throwing the unexpected things at you. When I left PA in April I was expecting the "classic" DTS experience, amazing lecture phase, awesome outreach phase, and a fantastic time of debrief swapping stories with all the amazing friends I will have made. In many ways that is exactly what I got. An amazing lecture phase, an outreach phase, that while probably the toughest time in my life, I can honestly say that the results of it will be awesome (I may have to wait awhile until I view them that way but I have faith that someday thats exactly what I will think), and I'm expecting a fantastic time of sharing with friends from DTS.

But there is a key difference. I'm not coming off the emotional and spiritual "high" I expected I would be at the end of DTS. In fact in many ways I feel like a beat up, emotionally drained, weary man who has engaged in a battle that put everything he learned on the breaking point. A time of testing that left me exhausted and realizing that I had nothing I can give except the daily bread that God continues to pour out. Sometimes the daily bread seems so small but its always enough.

So Hawaii I look forward to seeing you,  Although with the bittersweet reality of life. The reality that I will soon be leaving your sunny shores and back to the battle that God has called me to fight. The battle of normal life where the real tests and struggles come, but the sweet victories and hope are always within reach. By God's grace I will return to PA a little refreshed and more settled about DTS. Right now I feel as though I'm in some short of limbo, living the normal life after DTS deal but soon to be thrust back into the end of DTS. It could be a weird week going back. But I'm ready to finish this adventure so I can jump right into the next adventure that God calls me to! Hawaii here I come!

A battle against normal

My hand grabs another can as I listen to the all to familiar beep of the scanner. "I'm back", the thought seems to never leave my mind. I give the customer the best smile I can muster and quickly try to change the trail of thoughts running through my head. I try... and fail. My mind continues to wonder what my team is doing, I find myself checking the clock and quickly making the time difference. It's Tuesday, so probably the orphanage. I wonder how Ethan's doing with soccer, and if Paul's having any luck teaching any of the guys photography. I struggle to pull my mind back to the present. "Come on David, you gotta focus on where you are." I send up a quick prayer for my team and finally am able to return my mind to the task at hand. Scanning groceries at the grocery store I was hoping I wouldn't be seeing for another month.

I'm back. The concept has finally sunk in in a most unpleasant way. I've gone through the small moments of joy of enjoying the things I missed on DTS and now am faced with the reality of normal life. Of waking up in the morning, going to work, meeting with friends, going to church, the system is scarily familiar. Scary because I see the person and the life I used to live becoming increasingly close to becoming a reality. Scary because I remember the desperation I felt before leaving, the gnawing to experience God and become who I was created to be, I now feel the warning signs that that person must be fought for.

Every day I must choose to be the person God created me to be. The person that He meant for me to be. On DTS I saw a little bit more of who that person is. I saw a little bit more of the passions God has placed in me. Of the hunger that is so deeply engraved in my soul, a hunger that is only met by His presence. I saw that theres is courage in me, a warriors heart, it merely needs the opportunity to be shown.

So as I came home I was greatly excited to see how God would use these knew things that I had discovered while I was away. I jumped at the opportunity to see Him move. What I found was the greatest of opportunities and the toughest of struggles. I watched as the man I had become became tested at every point. As the wounds that I had hoped were healed become ripped open again. The fears that I had so proudly thought I had conquered became the nightmare of my faith.

It was the battle.

The battle that I have to  fight, and the one that I must win. The one that says you haven't changed, you haven't become the man you thought you were. That it was all just a sham, you are now back to your true self. It's the lies that tell me that God couldn't really change someone like me. So I now am forced back to the battle I thought I had beaten. The one of complacent Christianity, of being apathetic and only pursuing God when I feel like it. The one of falling back into the old comforts and lies of this world, believing the horrible lie that they will satisfy the hunger in my heart.

The reality is simple.

This is the true battle, the battles of my journey these past few months have merely been the training for this. The battle of actually living a life of radical faith in Jesus. Of being willing to fight in every moment of every day for the truth of who God created me to be and not who I think I am. I was created to know and love God. I was created not for myself but to bring glory to the Creator of the universe. The sooner I wrap my mind around that the sooner I learn to live out the life I was called to. A life of radical obedience and devotion to God. period.

Simple, well sorta.

The answer is simple: Dedication because of love.

The action is tough.

This week I've come face to face with my imperfection as a human.

It sucked.

Period.

It sucked to watch a dream be laid down, to watch my “perfect” little plan of how life should go come to a quick death. To realize the ending of a journey that my heart longed to continue.

This week I was faced with my failure to be dedicated. I watched as all my fancy words were defeated by cowardice acts of self pity.

I watched as my standards were washed away by waves of “logical” thinking motivated by pure laziness.

What was I left with? The reality that I'm human. That I need God in every moment and that the battle I've entered is so much harder than any I have ever faced.

I've come to realize that it is often in the times of “normal” life that we face the toughest and most fierce of battles. It's in the moment when we could easily accept the ordinary that the battle to choose the extraordinary becomes so difficult.

When we start to believe the lie that we can't be as close to God unless we are serving Him in what we see as “active” ministry. That we can't have hunger and passion for God unless we are surrounded by people that are full of passion and hunger.

It's into this horrible trap that I tumbled this week. Thankfully God hasn't given up on me and loves to draw me back when I go after my own desires. Today God did that. Today, I was reminded of the story of Daniel.

If anyone had an excuse to not be passionate and full of fire for God Daniel would be it. Taken from his home as a captive while he was still a teenager, Daniel lived in a land full of evil men that knew nothing of God's way. The Bible mentions only three other Godly men besides Daniel when he enters captivity.

What does Daniel do?

Does He cry out at the injustice of it all and decide to follow his own desires? Nope, he sets himself apart and follows after God throughout his life of captivity. From the beginning when he asks to be fed only vegetables and water so as to not defile himself with unclean food, to when he prays and fasts for 21 days before getting a response, Daniel stays dedicated to God.

What if I could live like that? A life so dedicated that even in a land full of ungodly men (of which Lancaster County PA is certainly not!) I would continue to have passion and dedication to God. It challenged me to look past this momentary time.

To be honest I don't like the phase of life I am in.

It's tough.

It's dry.

And it's horribly familiar to how I felt before I left for DTS.

But the question is not what I will do to make myself feel the way I did a couple weeks ago, the question is how I will use this new phase of life to bring God glory, grow in my relationship with Him, and love the people around me with the love God has so lavishly given to me.

The question is what is God doing

Right here.

Right now.

And how can I be apart of it.

It's time to make the main thing the main thing again, and embrace the new that God is doing in my life with the knowledge that He is working it all out for good. All I have to do is obey.

Simple.

And not so simple.  

Pure joy, its not just a nice thought.

My ears continued to pop as the plane descended into the family scenery of PA. "PA this is way to soon, I was supposed to have another month until I saw you again." The thought runs through my head as I gloomily think about how my adventure has ended. As I grab my bags and head out of the baggage claim I try to remind myself that its not about my desires or will but about God's will for me. The thought brings little comfort at this moment.

Sunday was tough. Probably one of the toughest days I've ever had. It was the day that I truly had to face the reality of coming home. Up until then I had been so busy with preparing to leave and working with the insurance company that I had had little time to think about actually leaving Egypt and everything that would mean. So As I flew home my thoughts were constantly on what I had lost. It was with a pretty heavy heart that I drove home and realized that that chapter had closed and a new one was opening.

So what do we do with situations like this. When we feel like the winds been knocked out of our lungs and we've lost the purpose that we had so gladly embraced. When life simply doesn't make sense and we feel like we've stalled out. When we go from feeling useful to useless and we have no control over the course our life has taken.

To be honest, the answer is tough. We persevere, and we do it with joy. James 1:2-4 has been a constant reminder of what my attitude should be during this time.   "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,  whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith  produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." The answer is tough because it is one of endurance, where we endure through the trouble and not only endure but we do it with "pure joy".

When my plane landed in Philly on Sunday pure joy was the last thing I was feeling. Confusion, frustration, and disappointment were high on the list of emotions. While my mouth claimed to trust God and want his plan, my spirit cried out at the injustice of being sent home. Of working so hard to get to DTS only to end a month early and be sent home from an outreach I given myself fully to.

In many ways I am still asking those questions. Why I am here, and why I had to leave the ministry I loved doing. But I have to constantly remind myself that when I committed myself to Christ I picked up a cross. A cross that meant suffering and pain, as well as joy and peace. A cross that would resemble that of Jesus who went willingly to suffer because He knew the Father had a plan. One of the verses I've been thinking about a lot lately is Matthew 26:42, where it talks about Jesus praying in Gethsemane and He tells the Father, if this cup cannot pass without me drinking it, your will be done. Jesus was completely summited to God's will. Even though He didn't want to do it, He had put the Fathers will over His own.

Now in my small situation am I willing to put the will of God over my own. Am I willing to drink the cup that God has placed in my hands and do it with an attitude of joy knowing that God has a plan and is working through my life. That this time of hardship is not in vain and that God is molding me into someone that can follow Him even more. Do I realize that this time of brief trial is nothing compared to the wonderful works that God can do in my life through this time.

I have a long way to go, but I've seen God do so much in these last few weeks. While I still don't understand fully why I am where I am, I am excited to see how God chooses to use me in this new chapter of my life.  I have to constantly remind myself its not about me, its about the one who give me life.  Anything short of complete love and devotion falls so short of what He deserves. He deserves everything, to give Him anything less is the greatest injustice. He deserves my absolute worship, my absolute devotion, my absolute trust, and my absolute love. Thank goodness for grace for the many times I fall so short of those absolutes.  Grace that sustains, and keeps me seeking Him even when I have nothing left. So heres to this new adventure. To a new chapter of watching God work and seeing his faithfulness play out in my life. I know its going to be a wild ride.

When a chapter closes, a new one begins

My shoes echo off the tile floor as I walk through the empty terminal. I've never felt this miserable and at peace all at once. Thoughts continue to stream through my head as I try to remind myself that this isn't a dream, “I am actually leaving”. I can't stop asking the question why? Why send me here just to take me home again? Why allow me to go through all this struggle only to force me to throw in the towel and go home? I'm passed any feelings of anger and am just purely confused.

After spending a month in Cairo Egypt I'm flying home.

After a month of watching God move and of experiencing the wonders of learning a new culture I'm going home.

After finally starting to feel like I was beginning to make a difference I'm going home.

Why?

But the question of why goes so much deeper than simply asking. It asks how much am I willing to trust God? Enough to be satisfied without needing an answer to the question why? Do I truly believe that God will work this situation out for my good since I love Him.

Am I willing to go through the pain and loneliness of leaving my team and my vision to seek out God's true plan for my life.

Isaiah 8-9 talks about God's ways being higher than our ways and his thoughts higher than our thoughts. In some ways it may seem a little pathetic, getting so dramatic over something as simple as leaving a DTS outreach early, but for me it was a loss of vision. The vision of God using me to bring hope and life to the nation of Egypt. Of God allowing me to live in a community of amazing people and laugh, live, and grow with them.

For me leaving outreach wasn't simply about going home, it was about losing my direction, about not knowing where I am supposed to put the next step.

But sometimes I think it is this place that God can truly use us as He desires. Its in the times when we don't have any clue what He is doing or how to follow Him that He can give us the direction that we need. Because its in that moment of confusion that we drop all our false visions and directions, when we are forced to lay down our future is when God hands us a better one. When we are forced to give up our dreams that God awakens new ones.

Personally, I'm still in the middle stage, the stage where I'm still desperately clinging onto the vision I had for this time in my life and watching God slowly began to point me in a new direction. I'm watching as my hands are emptied of my hopes for this DTS and God fills them with new hopes and dreams.

Its tough, I don't understand, but I can either be miserabal, angry, and confused, or be full of joy knowing that God is working something beautiful and fulfilling into my life. That while I may never understand why, He will guide me and be my comfort and hope. So I choose to praise Him. Maybe as much as I should but I know that even in my feebal attempts of praising Him He will take joy in the attempt. Even in the times when I fail and put my desires over my obedience to Him He will love me and continue to work things out for my good. So good bye Egypt, I have had the most extraordinary month of my life, and I will be back. It's been incredible, and I'm ready to see God use me in a new way in a familiar place. Home. See you soon PA.

Trust.

Trust. Sometimes we wonder about how much we trust God. Or how much trust we are willing to put in God. It is easy to say, I trust God, when everything is going well in life, the challenge is when things seem out of control. When you can doing nothing but wait, waiting with a desperate hope that this God you pledged your life to is as faithful as He says He is. Sometimes its in those moments of intense desperation that we get to really see how much we actually trust God. Its in the moments of tense pressure and the opportunity to worry that we see if we have really invested in our relationship with God. The past few days have been a time of stress for me, climaxing with finding out today that what I had thought was a minor eye infection on Sunday turned out to be an extreme infection in one of my eyes. The infection has the potential to permanently damage my eye. (even to the point of blindness.)  So the question is swirling in my mind, am I going to trust God and rest in the peace of knowing he is in control, or do go into self-pity and worry.

I was crying out to God last night, asking Him to move, to intervene, and make the pain stop. It was in that moment of intense prayer, when I felt so helpless that God spoke, in a quiet voice. "I'm right here. and I've got you." It was then that God began to just tell me gently "I'm here, David, and I've been here the entire time. I'm gonna walk through this with you." From that moment on God has given me peace and trust, trust that is struggling to be like Jesus's trust when He said:   "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done." Matthew 26:42. Trusting God goes beyond simple saying "I believe you can heal me." it goes to saying even if I don't get healed I will praise God and trust that he has a plan through everything. I could lose my vision, but if my heart trusts God in a way I couldn't possibly do with vision in my eye, than I think it would be worth it. Its that trusting in God that Jesus showed in the climax of all possible human suffering. If I could have but a fraction of that trust I know that I could see God move in impossible ways in my life. I know God can completely heal me. And I want Him to, but there is a strange peace in knowing that God will be moving whether He heals it or not. 

     So prayer would be appreciated in these next 24 hours. I am going to the eye doctor again tomorrow which could be the deciding moment of whether the damage is permanent or not. So I'd love as much prayer as I can get, not just that God would heal me but that I would trust in Him no matter what the outcome 

Consecration

How much do we desire God? Enough to hunger after him day and night? To search with all our heart until we find just a glimpse of Him?

So often I feel like we as Christians down play desiring God. We are all about spending time with Him, reading the Bible, and praying, but do we really desire God? Do we constantly seek after Him with a passion that goes beyond any feeling or emotion? Do we love Him enough to sacrifice anything simply so we can dwell in His presence?

God has been speaking to me a lot over the past few months about having a hunger for Him. A hunger that will drive me past the times when I don't feel like seeking Him. A hunger that will drive me to do impossible things simply because I desire God and His presence that much.

So how do we get that hunger? How do we desire God with a passion that surpasses our feelings and will? For me, it came down to getting rid of the distractions. I think that everyone secretly has this desire to know God. Because we were created in the image of God and God designed us to be in a relationship with Him.

Consecration.

To set ourselves apart.

I think hunger for God increases when we set aside the distractions and empty pleasures of this world. It comes when we lay everything aside and say “God all I want is You”. The words carry a weight when they are followed by the action. God honors those who lay everything down to follow Him.

This past week God has really been speaking to me about consecration in my life. I think a lot of times its the small ways of consecrating ourselves that make the biggest impact. Its when we say “God, I'm not going to listen to that music, not because it is bad in itself but because it doesn't do anything to draw me closer to you.”

It's sounds crazy.

Over religious and probably a little legalistic.

But think about it, what if we decided to really try and fill ourselves up with only good things. Not “ok” things or “not that bad” of things but strictly what brings: life, joy, peace, love, and ultimately draws us closer to Fathers presence.

What could God do with a people completely free of the ties and hooks of this world and devoted only to Himself. A people who were willing to say no to the pleasures of this life so they can enjoy the crazy pleasure of God's great presence.

It's hard, but there is a strange satisfaction in knowing that we are no longer a slave to something but free to seek God completely.

Just something to think about.